That has basically been me this whole last week. Finals sucked. I don't even remember the last time I was on here. Let me give you some background to my all but terrible week which should've been joyous since it ends in summer.
First off lets just say that I have had a whole lot of mental health issues this past semester. This weekend marked the first time I ever thought to myself "I want to die" without any feeling of guilt or remorse. My best friend's father killed himself about 2 years ago and I know how painful it is for her still and usually the thought of suicide just makes me feel like a giant butt and ridiculously guilty. Not anymore. Saturday night was the worst. I couldn't stop thinking about it. And for all I had, I could not justify why I wanted to live. I felt no love, no hope, nothing. I thought if I obviously can't love myself why should anybody else. There seemed to be nothing. I talked to a friend who I ignored for about 7 months until this past Friday and he was there for me, but still it was difficult to hear him say what stopped him from taking his life a while back, which was the thought of his mother having to clean out his room, and even that didn't stop my thoughts. I couldn't even manage to call my friends for help. All I wanted was for someone to come hug me while I sobbed but I'm too prideful to call. I also don't think I deserve the comfort. It was horrendous.
Then, my best friend here,Kyle, (the dude I ignored-Sam-is out mutual friend) got all pissy at me for talking to Sam. He was all "blahblahblah you don't have to tell me but think of how this makes me feel blahblahblah I'll remember this blahhhhhh." EXCUSE ME, I was on the verge of suicide and all you care about is that I went to your friend first? Sorry that I needed someone who could honestly relate to me. Way to be an asshole. Kyle however is my most trusted friend. He has helped me through a majority of what I am going through but damn he can be a total ass sometimes. Case and point - months ago I asked him to remove all the knives from my room so that I wouldn't cut myself anymore. He took them out. Now that my parents are here and helping me pack I asked for them back so they wouldn't notice they were missing and start asking questions (I'm pretty bad at lying). At first he refused after I had talked to him about my weekend. For this, I was grateful - he wasn't taking my issues lightly. Then yesterday as all my friends finished their finals and were on summer break, I was studying for my last final which I had today - physics. A really not fun and pretty difficult subject. I was working out in the sun and all by myself for a while when Kyle and two other friends came up. They decided to sit right next to me, eat food and talk... LOUDLY. I knew I couldn't very well say shut up since it was outside and they can really do whatever they want. After turning up my music full blast to the point I knew they could hear it, sending them death glares and realizing they were obviously missing the hints, I packed up and left pretty fast. Back in my room, near to a panic attack and loaded up on my ADHD meds, I began studying again. Then I got a call from Kyle asking where I was.
Me: In my room
K: look outside
Me (looking outside): cool, what?
K: open your window and say hi
Me: I'm studying
K: fine *hang up*
So of course I open my window because I feel bad.
Me: "what? you saw me like five minutes ago"
K: I just wanted to say hi but never mind
Me: I'm studying for physics
Other friends: go study, don't worry blah
K: from the depth of my heart as your friend I just
Other friend: dude, stop guilt tripping her, go study Guilia
So I stuck out my tongue at Kyle, closed my window and studied. Then I went out with my parents and took the time to text Kyle and ask him to bring my knives back as this would be an ideal time. The response I get was "wow, I like how you act like a total dick to me and then want me to do this like its the most important thing in the world." Immediately I just wanted to cry. I am stressed beyond belief and am about to leave school for four months and my friend now thinks I am a dick. I just told him whatever, don't do it, I'll talk to you when I get back to school. I ended up having a terrible dinner (eating included) because I felt so bad. My poor parents who were thrilled to see me had a mopey little daughter who could barely stop herself from crying. And then, I come back to my dorm after dinner to knives sitting on my desk and the words "acting like a total dick to me" floating around my head. Immediately all promises I had made were out the window, I sat down sobbing and sliced right back into my skin again. I sobbed for probably about 2 hours, couldn't study and had to fight off the thought of just stabbing myself as hard as I could through the leg, through anywhere and just fuck it all.
I know it probably sounds totally childish-it sounded like that to me typing it out, but it seriously killed me. I didn't want to cut myself ever again and still I just kept replaying his words in my mind reminded myself I deserved it. I deserved to be in pain, to be a disappointment to all because thats what I am, that I don't deserve to call for help, that I deserve the worst. But seriously, why would you tell someone who you knew was on the verge of suicide that she is a dick and then place knives in her room also knowing she cuts. Where is the logic? I don't even know.
I feel this blog has become a list of complaints now, and mostly about Kyle. Sorry ya'll I promise this won't last forever I'm just not dealing with stress all that well. On another note though, I am done with school - yee summer. And I am getting a good workout most days. I have gotten to about two straight hours on the eliptical burning over 1000 calories. I keep pushing myself until I get there. Higher everyday. I've just had a really bad week with emotions and eating and everything so hopefully my diet and life will balance out soon. Thanks for dealing with all my bitching. Stay strong
