Friday, June 3, 2011

best friends

I have amazing friends. my best friend in the world I met when I was just 5 sitting in my first day of kindergarten. She was sobbing because her mom had left and I went up to her and basically told her to shut up (well more of "stop crying your mom will be back") and since then we have been friends. A couple of years ago her father committed suicide and she lost tons of weight. And as sad as her story was, I was kind of jealous of her weight loss. I know that should sound horrible, but it is my mindset. However, since then, she has been packing on the pounds... she eats nothing but fast food. It is sincerely disgusting and most of the time I really fear for her and her health so I encourage the eating of healthy food as much as I can. And yet, every time I am with her I always encourage her to eat way more than me. While wanting her health, I cannot stand the thought of her being skinnier than me again. She is always the smallest one and the one everybody wants to talk to. She is fairly short - only about 5'2 and so the minute she puts on weight she looks huge and the minute she takes it off she looks amazing. I know I sound terrible, but I can't help it. I want to keep her fat, just so I don't always have to be the obese one. And it is like this with all my friends I feel like. I am always the biggest one. It is nice motivation, but I can't help feeling a tad guilty every time I encourage them to eat a ton more than myself all the while praying they will get fatter.
On another note, I am slowly gaining control of food again. It is taking a lot to do it because of everything else that has been happening in my life. For example, a couple of days ago my brother's girlfriend set up a suicide scene. I still don't know whether or not she was faking or not but my father and myself (at the request of my brother) drove to his apartment and found her in bed with her glasses crooked a book in her hand and a pile of pills right next to her. We counted the pills, found more than there was prescribed (which was highly confusing) but she would not respond and the one time she did she almost started vommitting. She is known for her theatrics but because she refused to answer anything we didn't know if this was real or not. My dad was convinced that she was faking leaving me to possibly hold her life in my hands for at least an hour. It was terrifying. It brought back so many memories of the night my best friends father killed himself and about my own low moments where suicide was something I really thought would save me...(from what? I still don't know). I was caught between hysterics and anger. I came home to a huge dinner and devoured my feelings and anxiousness. It was horrendous. But now I am back in control somewhat. Although there is no significant difference, I feel my body conforming to the lack of food and the brilliant feeling of not having a lot of food in me. I feel like my thoughts are so much clearer and I am simply happier with everything. :)

Sunday, May 29, 2011

shorts and tank tops and bathing suits, oh my

Yeah, I live in the bay area and so we don't have warmth so I don't ever really have to face shorts or tank tops, but I just bought a bathing suit... or at least the top. It is the first one I will have that doesn't cover my stomach. I am still far to big for it. I tried it on and let me tell you that was not a pretty site at all. However my motivation levels have risen to new heights. God forbid I stand in front of anyone in that bathing suit looking like I do now. I am determined again, all the passion I had for losing weight that faltered the minute I came home is now back. I am going back on my ADHD meds for the jump start on my weight loss. 
And as for americaneagle's question... many of the drugs that claim to help you lose weight or curb appetite do not work and most just destroy your stomach lining. Basically the only one that helps at all is Hoodia, it kills your appetite completely and makes you feel as thought you have just eaten a huge meal. It takes a while to start feeling like that but it does work. If you can find one with caffeine or green tea extract in it because those give you energy to run around and helps speed up your metabolism. Btw if you aren't already following her blog: check it out. it is amazing. 
I can already feel my meds kicking in and killing off all desire to eat. I have missed this feeling. I swear I am not falling off this diet again until I look like a freaking goddess in that bathing suit. Stay strong

Thursday, May 19, 2011

oh hi summer

Well hey ya'll sorry it's been forever. I feel like I've been away from school and here for ages. Basically I dislike summer already... well no... let's be nice to summer. But I dislike home. So much food - so much temptation - so little self control. Opps. Yeah, I've been caving like a mofo and my weight is rising disgustingly. I don't think I'm going to be away from this site that long ever again. I need a buddy, or something to remind me to stay on track. The only good thing about being home is that my mother is totally fine with buying me any diet pills or appetite suppressants I want. I am taking full advantage of that, but I def need to get back into my old habits. Advice on how to stay away from delicious home cooked meals when it is staring you right in the face?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

bitter and angry

That has basically been me this whole last week. Finals sucked. I don't even remember the last time I was on here. Let me give you some background to my all but terrible week which should've been joyous since it ends in summer.
First off lets just say that I have had a whole lot of mental health issues this past semester. This weekend marked the first time I ever thought to myself "I want to die" without any feeling of guilt or remorse. My best friend's father killed himself about 2 years ago and I know how painful it is for her still and usually the thought of suicide just makes me feel like a giant butt and ridiculously guilty. Not anymore. Saturday night was the worst. I couldn't stop thinking about it. And for all I had, I could not justify why I wanted to live. I felt no love, no hope, nothing. I thought if I obviously can't love myself why should anybody else. There seemed to be nothing. I talked to a friend who I ignored for about 7 months until this past Friday and he was there for me, but still it was difficult to hear him say what stopped him from taking his life a while back, which was the thought of his mother having to clean out his room, and even that didn't stop my thoughts. I couldn't even manage to call my friends for help. All I wanted was for someone to come hug me while I sobbed but I'm too prideful to call. I also don't think I deserve the comfort. It was horrendous.
Then, my best friend here,Kyle, (the dude I ignored-Sam-is out mutual friend) got all pissy at me for talking to Sam. He was all "blahblahblah you don't have to tell me but think of how this makes me feel blahblahblah I'll remember this blahhhhhh." EXCUSE ME, I was on the verge of suicide and all you care about is that I went to your friend first? Sorry that I needed someone who could honestly relate to me. Way to be an asshole. Kyle however is my most trusted friend. He has helped me through a majority of what I am going through but damn he can be a total ass sometimes. Case and point - months ago I asked him to remove all the knives from my room so that I wouldn't cut myself anymore. He took them out. Now that my parents are here and helping me pack I asked for them back so they wouldn't notice they were missing and start asking questions (I'm pretty bad at lying). At first he refused after I had talked to him about my weekend. For this, I was grateful - he wasn't taking my issues lightly. Then yesterday as all my friends finished their finals and were on summer break, I was studying for my last final which I had today - physics. A really not fun and pretty difficult subject. I was working out in the sun and all by myself for a while when Kyle and two other friends came up. They decided to sit right next to me, eat food and talk... LOUDLY. I knew I couldn't very well say shut up since it was outside and they can really do whatever they want. After turning up my music full blast to the point I knew they could hear it, sending them death glares and realizing they were obviously missing the hints, I packed up and left pretty fast. Back in my room, near to a panic attack and loaded up on my ADHD meds, I began studying again. Then I got a call from Kyle asking where I was.
Me: In my room
 K: look outside
 Me (looking outside): cool, what?
 K: open your window and say hi
Me: I'm studying
K: fine *hang up*
So of course I open my window because I feel bad.
Me: "what? you saw me like five minutes ago"
K: I just wanted to say hi but never mind
Me: I'm studying for physics
Other friends: go study, don't worry blah
K: from the depth of my heart as your friend I just
Other friend: dude, stop guilt tripping her, go study Guilia
So I stuck out my tongue at Kyle, closed my window and studied. Then I went out with my parents and took the time to text Kyle and ask him to bring my knives back as this would be an ideal time. The response I get was "wow, I like how you act like a total dick to me and then want me to do this like its the most important thing in the world." Immediately I just wanted to cry. I am stressed beyond belief and am about to leave school for four months and my friend now thinks I am a dick. I just told him whatever, don't do it, I'll talk to you when I get back to school. I ended up having a terrible dinner (eating included) because I felt so bad. My poor parents who were thrilled to see me had a mopey little daughter who could barely stop herself from crying. And then, I come back to my dorm after dinner to knives sitting on my desk and the words "acting like a total dick to me" floating around my head. Immediately all promises I had made were out the window, I sat down sobbing and sliced right back into my skin again. I sobbed for probably about 2 hours, couldn't study and had to fight off the thought of just stabbing myself as hard as I could through the leg, through anywhere and just fuck it all.
I know it probably sounds totally childish-it sounded like that to me typing it out, but it seriously killed me. I didn't want to cut myself ever again and still I just kept replaying his words in my mind reminded myself I deserved it. I deserved to be in pain, to be a disappointment to all because thats what I am, that I don't deserve to call for help, that I deserve the worst. But seriously, why would you tell someone who you knew was on the verge of suicide that she is a dick and then place knives in her room also knowing she cuts. Where is the logic? I don't even know.

I feel this blog has become a list of complaints now, and mostly about Kyle. Sorry ya'll I promise this won't last forever I'm just not dealing with stress all that well. On another note though, I am done with school - yee summer. And I am getting a good workout most days. I have gotten to about two straight hours on the eliptical burning over 1000 calories. I keep pushing myself until I get there. Higher everyday. I've just had a really bad week with emotions and eating and everything so hopefully my diet and life will balance out soon. Thanks for dealing with all my bitching. Stay strong

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Finals, death be to thee

So I finally am getting some studying done. Finished up all my lab reports for o-chem and booked through my page of notes I am allowed for my sociology final. It feels good to finally get stuff done. I guess I just work up ready to motivate myself: I checked my weight and I am down hella since the last time I weighed myself. I feel good about it. I also worked out for over an hour. Well, maybe just an hour - I had to take a break because the stupid iron pills made me vomit. I'm not kidding, throwing up... I guess it's bile is the worst thing in the world. I despise it so much, but I can't allow myself to eat food.
Right now I am sitting in a room studying with my best friend - we are facing each other at separate desks which is why I am able to type this - and all I can think of is how he would react if he knew what I've been doing these pasts weeks. The extreme decrease in food consumption, the increase in exercise, the amount of time I've spent reading books on anorexia, watching every documentary I can find about it and just writing this blog. I feel like he would flip out for sure. He knows about all my issues and I kind of feel bad about doing this to him, but he is the one preaching about how I have to start doing things for myself, and that's what I am doing. I am doing this for me. At the same time it makes laugh and strikes me as sad. He wants to be a doctor (yeah, he is the kid who easily gets A's in all his classes and is a certified genius destined to help the world) and yet he can't seem to figure out when I am my worst. When I am doing pretty ok he is always on my case making sure everything is legit with me. I don't get it. I feel he might need to be a bit more observant if he wants to be a good doctor. However, he is also the one who refuses to hear me out, so apparently he does need a bit more work before becoming doctor material.
Also, why is so easy to lie to people? Has anyone ever experienced a moment in which your friend is really concerned about you and corners you asking if everything is okay and you can respond with something as lame as "yeah, I'm just tired" and they accept it? I really don't know whether to laugh at how gullible people can be or just feel sad that no one really cares enough to recognize something is wrong and refuse to accept lame excuses. Oh well, I've gotten to the point where I am just going to play people and see how far I can get before one of them grows a brain. Stay strong.  

Friday, April 29, 2011

As time goes on...

... it is actually becoming increasingly easy to refuse food. This is rare for me, usually I break down a lot earlier than this. I am making a few slip ups but the guilt that follows is so unbearable that I can barely handle it. I am also implementing all the tricks that blogs post that I read religiously. I remind myself that I am the one in control. Food does not control me. I do not need food. A moment on the lips, forever on the hips. I try to make mental lists of everything that would be better than being thin and come up with absolutely nothing. I realize that food will never be more important or ever better than being thin will be. And of course all the blogs I am following are helping. It is nice to read about everyone else going through similar struggles, and every achievement they make inspires me to stay strong even in my lowest points.

I am scared for summer though. I know nothing good will happen once I go home. I always seem to lose control. I don't know why. Plus my mental state cannot handle home. Regardless of how much smaller I am when I return home my parents never seem satisfied with my weight. Even when my sister (who is shorter than me) is way bigger than me I am the first person to get crap for eating anything. Even if the thing I am eating is the first real food I've eaten for days. I know they don't know that, but still it is frustrating to do so much and be so dedicated to losing weight and have your parents put down your efforts as though you've been sitting on your fatass eating for the past 3 months. I am definitely more stressed about going home and falling off my weight loss then I am for finals... not good. Sorry to keep complaining but I don't have many other places to go. I just can't make anyone really hear me out, plus everyone has good relationships with their parents and can't understand my hesitance in going home. Anywho, I have to study organic chemistry... I removed myself from my room and any source of food just to make sure I don't stress eat. Stay strong.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Alright so I am anemic meaning I have to take iron supplements every morning or risk passing out. Now here's the problem, taking those on an empty stomach is the most painful thing in the world. I vomit almost every morning due to this because I don't eat. And let me tell you vomiting up stomach acid is disgustingly unpleasant. Has anyone ever dealt with this? I have to take the pills and I want to take them without pain but I absolutely refuse to shove unneccesary calories into my body.

On a better note, I am training myself well for the summer. I am down to one meal a day, only dinner and even then I am making sure I am a calorie deficit for the day before I eat. Right now for example, I am at an over 400 calorie deficit and still have yet to eat. This is huge for me because finals are coming up soon and I usually stress eat - it's gross. And yet, here I am - well into dead week, far behind on work, and it's motivating me to stay away from food rather than go near it. Ana is awesome like that I suppose. 

I am a tad frustrated because even though I am barely eating and exercising like a beast, my weight is still the same. I'm wondering if this weight is muscle weight but it is probably just nasty fat. Also, I am open with a few of my friends about my relationship with food and they just don't seem to get it. Sometimes I just need to vent about my body. It is not cute. I am not in shape - I have fat everywhere and just because you don't see it (I dress myself hella well to hide my body) doesn't mean it isn't there. Stop silencing me every time I start to talk. I am allowed to feel bad about my body - respect me and just let me talk. If he really wanted to help me overcome this then he would take the time to figure out how my brain functions and how my thought process is on a daily basis. His absolute refusal to let me speak out is actually encouraging me to stick by Ana's side even more. She's there for me when no one else wants to hear me out. And my other friend - I'm not sure if she just doesn't understand it or is in denial about my issues, but she keeps making jokes about my not eating. Greetings fool, it's actually not that funny when you can barely handle putting food in your mouth without a complete breakdown. And by the way "you're like anorexic" is not accurate. I am anorexic. I've told you this, please remember before making stupid statements. You sound like a dumbass. 

Sorry about the rant but people are on my last nerves. And i'm sure massive amounts of stress plus really low blood sugar levels are helping. Stay strong!