best friends

I have amazing friends. my best friend in the world I met when I was just 5 sitting in my first day of kindergarten. She was sobbing because her mom had left and I went up to her and basically told her to shut up (well more of "stop crying your mom will be back") and since then we have been friends. A couple of years ago her father committed suicide and she lost tons of weight. And as sad as her story was, I was kind of jealous of her weight loss. I know that should sound horrible, but it is my mindset. However, since then, she has been packing on the pounds... she eats nothing but fast food. It is sincerely disgusting and most of the time I really fear for her and her health so I encourage the eating of healthy food as much as I can. And yet, every time I am with her I always encourage her to eat way more than me. While wanting her health, I cannot stand the thought of her being skinnier than me again. She is always the smallest one and the one everybody wants to talk to. She is fairly short - only about 5'2 and so the minute she puts on weight she looks huge and the minute she takes it off she looks amazing. I know I sound terrible, but I can't help it. I want to keep her fat, just so I don't always have to be the obese one. And it is like this with all my friends I feel like. I am always the biggest one. It is nice motivation, but I can't help feeling a tad guilty every time I encourage them to eat a ton more than myself all the while praying they will get fatter.
On another note, I am slowly gaining control of food again. It is taking a lot to do it because of everything else that has been happening in my life. For example, a couple of days ago my brother's girlfriend set up a suicide scene. I still don't know whether or not she was faking or not but my father and myself (at the request of my brother) drove to his apartment and found her in bed with her glasses crooked a book in her hand and a pile of pills right next to her. We counted the pills, found more than there was prescribed (which was highly confusing) but she would not respond and the one time she did she almost started vommitting. She is known for her theatrics but because she refused to answer anything we didn't know if this was real or not. My dad was convinced that she was faking leaving me to possibly hold her life in my hands for at least an hour. It was terrifying. It brought back so many memories of the night my best friends father killed himself and about my own low moments where suicide was something I really thought would save me...(from what? I still don't know). I was caught between hysterics and anger. I came home to a huge dinner and devoured my feelings and anxiousness. It was horrendous. But now I am back in control somewhat. Although there is no significant difference, I feel my body conforming to the lack of food and the brilliant feeling of not having a lot of food in me. I feel like my thoughts are so much clearer and I am simply happier with everything. :)