As time goes on...

... it is actually becoming increasingly easy to refuse food. This is rare for me, usually I break down a lot earlier than this. I am making a few slip ups but the guilt that follows is so unbearable that I can barely handle it. I am also implementing all the tricks that blogs post that I read religiously. I remind myself that I am the one in control. Food does not control me. I do not need food. A moment on the lips, forever on the hips. I try to make mental lists of everything that would be better than being thin and come up with absolutely nothing. I realize that food will never be more important or ever better than being thin will be. And of course all the blogs I am following are helping. It is nice to read about everyone else going through similar struggles, and every achievement they make inspires me to stay strong even in my lowest points.

I am scared for summer though. I know nothing good will happen once I go home. I always seem to lose control. I don't know why. Plus my mental state cannot handle home. Regardless of how much smaller I am when I return home my parents never seem satisfied with my weight. Even when my sister (who is shorter than me) is way bigger than me I am the first person to get crap for eating anything. Even if the thing I am eating is the first real food I've eaten for days. I know they don't know that, but still it is frustrating to do so much and be so dedicated to losing weight and have your parents put down your efforts as though you've been sitting on your fatass eating for the past 3 months. I am definitely more stressed about going home and falling off my weight loss then I am for finals... not good. Sorry to keep complaining but I don't have many other places to go. I just can't make anyone really hear me out, plus everyone has good relationships with their parents and can't understand my hesitance in going home. Anywho, I have to study organic chemistry... I removed myself from my room and any source of food just to make sure I don't stress eat. Stay strong.